You Know What Assuming Means?

My 8yo has serious sass.  She can be super funny and just a joy to watch.  

The flip side to that high octane energy is her emotional volatility.  

She has epic meltdowns of Titanic proportions.  Sometimes it's like walking on eggshells with her.  An innocent, off-hand comment will trigger her, leaving me confused as to how to handle the situation.  

She doesn't have the skill yet to hide her emotions.  It's a good thing so she can vent, I suppose.  

The scary part are the teenage years to come.  :/

No matter how much I try to get her to talk, when she's in a funk, she gets Hulk-ish and is on a rampage.

Hopefully dealing with your partner is much less volatile.  More like flowering meadows and unicorns.  

But sometimes, there's a stink to the air.  Kinda like when my kid "forgets" to flush the toilet. You smell it but not really sure what it is.  Then you go do your business and Voila!, you found the culprit.

As adults and women in particular, it can be uncomfortable to express dissatisfaction. Women are such inherent people pleasers that it's difficult to put ourselves first.  

It also requires vulnerability.  Which can be tough to display when we're trying to put on the "I can handle this" facade.

So let me introduce tool #4 from the 5 communication tools as taught by Dr. Pat Allen, author of "Getting to I Do: The Secret to Doing Relationships Right" and "Staying Married...And Loving It!  How to Get What You Want from Your Man Without Asking".

Before I get to that, if you missed the previous tools, here they are.

Tool #4

For the lay-deez:

Flush out non-verbal language to the verbal language so you can negotiate.

"I sense by the look on your face/the tone of your voice/your body language that you're upset about something.  (If he says no) If you ever are, feel free to bring it up.  (When he says yes.) When would it be convenient to talk about it, hopefully today? What can I do to help us DO better?

Notice how you're focusing on what makes him DO better.

For the doodz:
Same thing:  Flush out non-verbal language to the verbal language so you can negotiate.

The difference is in the verbal languaging.  

“I sense/think/believe by the tone of your voice/look on your face/your body language/your gesturing that you’re upset about something.  Am I right?  (yes) When would you be comfortable talking about it? (Now)  What is it? What can I do to help us FEEL better about it?

Notice how you're focusing on what makes her FEEL better.

It's important not to make assumptions about how the other person is feeling.  

Cuz you know what "assume" does?

It makes an ass out of u and me.  Ass-u-me.  Get it?

Communication is key to a strong, resilient relationship when you're dealing with a long-term issue that tests you physically, emotionally, and spiritually such as infertility.  

Use this time to deepen your bonds and understanding of each other so when you come out on the other side, you have a rockin', soul-filling love.

Know someone dealing with infertility?  She probably can use some help with this communication tool as well.  Forward this email to her and invite her to opt-in for daily emails at

Julie Chang,
Natural Fertility Eggspurt
For fertility acupuncture appointments in San Diego, call me at (858) 495-0771 or book here:

The Real Deal:

  • Licensed Acupuncturist for 18 years
  • Master in Traditional Oriental Medicine, Magna Cum Laude
  • B.S. Microbiology & Molecular Genetics, UCLA

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